Snap, Crackle, and Popular Culture

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Things have gotten real bad when you find yourself listening to Sheena Easton, or Four Non Blondes while alone in an empty bathtub with the lights out. However, these things are recoverable, but after the incident I am about to explain to you, I think you will find, as have I, that we have reached a point where there is no looking back.

So, where do I start? Ah, right. We’ll I decided that it was time for me to purchase a new DVD- being that I own around 1,500 video’s this is nothing new to me. What is new, is the inexplicable horror that I found myself trying to overcome when I opened my newly purchased DVD.

If you must know, I bought No Country For Old Men. I believe this movie is still playing in some theatres, and this is the first time ever that I have owned an authentic DVD- while people were still watching it on the big screen. (I guess it’s the small things that excite me). I have never seen this movie before, and every time a trailer appears on television, it fails to capture my interest. So, why did I buy it? Look, I don’t know- but again, why do we purchase anything?

Anyhow, I purchased this DVD using some modern payment device and I opened it, just like a gentile on Christmas morning, as soon as I got home. Getting through the plastic wasn’t that bad because they have ceased to secure items like this with the crappy cellophane folded in each corner. Rather, this time, they used a more elastic form of plastic that I was able to puncture with the nail of my thumb along the longer side indentation that allows for the DVD case to be opened.

“Fantastic”, I thought, “They even included a DVD insert with a reference to the chapters.” Wait, something is terribly wrong here. I am looking at my new DVD and below the center of the DVD, where the disc is impaled and secured in it’s case, is a small box. “For technical assistance with this or any Miramax DVD, visit us at video.com/support or call 1-800-477-2811.” WHAT?!?! Did I miss something? There is a website and telephone support number for people who have trouble operating a DVD! (At this point, I did what any reasonable person would do, I read the caption in the box again, then again- just to make sure I wasn’t going completely crazy.)

“No sir, your DVD disc is not compatible with your VCR, you will have to purchase a DVD player.”

“Is it plugged in?- How about your television?-What do you mean you don’t own a television?”

“Ma’am, you have to take the disc out of the case before you try to watch this video.”

“No sir, this movie is not available in Braille.”

“The square root of 231323.34 is…”

In all honesty, I am a bit concerned how people, whom are having trouble operating or putting to use a DVD disc, will be able to put a telephone, or worse, the internet to practical use. I mean, you have already discounted the complete potential of these people- how could you expect them to use a new-fangled-telephone-thingy-magiger? People, no no- HUMANS deserve more credit than that.

A little more investigation led me to find out that since Blu-ray has become the heavy weight world champion, these video-advice forums offer support to people who want to “take the next step in life” and “convert.” That’s right. Technology has found g-d, and you can reach him via our 800 number, or e-mail.

This little box, just like an abandoned Watchtower magazine, was left for pop-culture atheists. For all these years we have been watching movies without a g-d. Now the messiah, I mean Miramax, has come to save us- and you’d better be ready!

So, sit back, relax, and get comfortable, because for “Approx 122 Minutes” you are going to repent for that g-dless life you were used to living. Hollywood is here, and your sins will be washed away through the dark hills of purgatory- all you’s gotta do is, put the money in the bucket.

If your thinking about taking the family to see Roland Emmerich’s 10,000 B.C., don’t.

It wasn’t the fact that cavemen apparently spoke English, characters were mysteriously shaved, or that Emmerich kinda fucked up human history, rather it was the fact that this is a story told by nearly 80% of fictional and non-fictional love melodramas alike. In this film, [insert protagonist’s mumbling name here] goes on a brutal, unrealistic journey to recapture his childhood girlfriend from savage Egyptians.

[Insert prehistoric mumbling name for girlfriend here] is a very exotic looking cavewoman-type creature and after watching her for nearly two hours I experienced the sudden urge to hit on homeless women in whom look almost as physically dirty as her. I guess disgusting is the new desirable.

Now for the con’s of the movie.

Because I’m not one for unrealistic love stories, this movie failed to appeal to me. Beyond that, it seems as though the director presupposed his audience to be a class of incompetent low morons whom are only able to understand simplistic concepts (slavery, love, passion, will, chocolate). And I do concede, that anyone who liked this movie is probably a low moron capable of understanding basic concepts. The only way Emmerich could sell this movie is by degrading the names of two other movies that he directed (and decent movies at that too). Realistically, This is a movie by cavemen, for cavemen.

Any action in this film was few and far between, and the only time I was left on the edge of my seat was when I was preparing to leave the theatre- so that I could go home, put on a chicken suit, and smack strangers with a woolly mammoth rib bone [not included with movie ticket purchase- see theatre for details].

Bottom Line? This film had no real plot, no real acting, and there is no real reason why you should waste valuable human experience by watching it. I wouldn’t do that to my family, and you shouldn’t do that to yours. Instead, I recommend listening to two or more hours of Earth, Wind, and Fire. At least EWF makes life enjoyable- almost.